MY PAIN AND MY STRUGGLE.
This Post is a raw one. If you have a moment to read it I encourage you to do so.
Some of the most painful moments of our lives carries the most purpose and power.
I am passionate to see the BLADE of BLAME being blunted and its use decrease from our community and cultures.
May my story and victory explain why.
#blame #theblamegame #judgement #community #cultureofcelebration #christianblogger #faithblog #beencouraged #faithfuel #yearofencounter
A large part of me wants to, but I may never forget this moment as long as I live. We were 10 days married and travelling the beautiful island of Fiji, a beautiful escape from the pressure of organising a large wedding. Looking back we probably would have vacayed to an island and took our close friends and family along, but it didn’t pan out that way, we have grown in courage since then. We remember feeling relieved when we left the reception centre, the new was ahead, we were together as husband and wife and we could build a life upon a new foundation filled with love, honour, celebration, less of opinion & control.
10 days into our escape and it was amazing, until the night where we decided to check our email to see how our tribes back home where doing. What we didn’t expect was to receive one from someone (not family) who thought she was entitled to more of a say than what she was permitted to have, and to add to it all, she did it in the name of Jesus.
She addressed the email to my husband and explained to him why he had just made a huge mistake by marrying me and allowing me to “steal him away” and how God was not honoured at our wedding for a number of reasons. She explained that a life with me would be cursed and that God had better plans and it’s not to late to rethink His decision. She went onto explain who she thought I was, it wasn’t good, go figure.
I remember Joshil standing at that long grey bar stool hesitant to tell me what was said, but he did. I urged him to email her and defend me. He began to explain how much it wasn’t worth engaging in an argument with narrow minded people; He had nothing to prove to them. He was firm in his understanding of the approval of God towards His decision and the Fathers heart towards our future. I wasn’t.
That night the deep root of rejection that I had been carrying around, growing and nurturing for all these years was watered by blame. I lay in bed that night, the joy of new found intimacy was stolen by thoughts of, “What have I done?”, “Why did I say Yes?”, “I wasn’t the one who pursued Joshil!?”, “I prayed so much about this!?” “Would He still love me?”, “How many others think this about me, about us?”, well it wasn’t the first time we had received such a message since we had started dating!
I heard no answer but I was drowning in many questions. I was now beginning a “happy new journey” blamed for all the bad things that should & perhaps come. That night I traded my wedding gown for a garment of disapproval, shame and blame without fully realising it.
When major storms hit thereafter, I knew the cause! “It had to be an angry God, punishing me for wooing “His MORE PRECIOUS CHILD Joshil” into my marital bed!”…. Really?!
Any disagreement or argument between us would end with me saying, “well find someone else then? I can never be good enough!”. I had a very limited understanding of the TRUTH of what Jesus was saying about us. I didn’t realise that every time I questioned my belonging in this relationship I was questioning my amazing Husbands close relationship with His maker. I realised that that lady was blaming Joshil as much as she was blaming me and now I was becoming just like her. I was echoing the “terrible decision”. I realised I was becoming the blamer and inviting my Husband into the game that He was wise enough and strong enough from the get go to never be part of.
They say you, “give what you have been given” and “hurt people hurt people”; perhaps there is more truth to this?
You see I was not just giving what I had been given, I WAS GIVING WHAT I HAD CHOSEN TO RECEIVE. Like any “gift”, I don’t have to choose to claim it as my own. I had been blamed, so was Joshil, but only one of us was wise enough not to receive it, name it and claim it as part of our identity.
The one who received blame became the blamer, ME. I became a master of drawing conclusions on others and therefore the biggest on myself. But the Lord got a hold of my heart quickly. There was a tug-of-war between his presence and peoples opionions but the pull into his presence was stronger. My healing process begun.
One night I was invited to a gathering of young adults in a small church in Melbourne, I was crippled with emotional pain. A prophet was there ministering. I had heard other prophets before but this one was different, as he preached His words were not a blade, they were a balm to the soul. Yes he brought conviction to ones spirit as he spoke but it’s like he carried the ability to bring healing through his words.
He called me out of the crowd and amongst telling me things about that fact that my “husbands name starts with ‘J’ and he runs a business”, He began to call out the trauma I lived in for the first 6 years of my marriage under. He could not have known that!!! He said; “You and your husband were not put together just for convenience but for purpose, the word “APPROVED” is written by God over you both.” He explained further that there were “words spoken against you both when you got together, but God is turning it around as words spoken for you. There have been those who questioned you getting together, but…” and I wont reveal the rest now, I’ll ponder them in my heart.
For the first time in my marriage, I believed that JESUS SAID YES TO US! I started to adorn myself as that bride again. There is a balm called “tiger balm” in India, it burns and sooths at the same time. That is what that prophecy felt like; a balm burning away at all that had held me captive and bringing my heart alive to the reality of Gods love for and approval of me and my family.
Now, If I ever come to a point (which I have) where I want to become a participant in the BLAME GAME (where one puts someone in the arena of their life and like a gladiator puts them to death with their lack of knowledge and understanding); I try and make sure that I have the conversation with Jesus first. He leads me into more of His presence and gives me greater perspective and I am not so quick to share my premature opinion. I’d like to think that I am getting better at this, I’m still learning. And in order for me to be less of a blamer, I choose to forgive those who have blamed me and let go of offence I carry towards them.
So in conclusion;
This blog is not to shame the lady who made a somewhat silly mistake, I had made my own! There have been others on the other side of my blame blade. However, it is to cause you and I to continually search out own hearts and see where we haven’t made sound or accurate conclusions & judgements on the community around us.
It’s time to shift our Cultures and Communities and step out from the cycles that we have made excuses for, for generations!!! Be the change!
May we be a people who don’t just think before we speak but pray before we do also. May we see things from a perspective of the Fathers heart and not just the lens of Fear over the eyes of our hearts
As I was writing this, I had many women in mind. We as women carry more blame than we need too. We then project that onto our community; men and women alike. I release you in Jesus Name to live BOLD and not BLAMED!
I speak to all of you who wear the garment of blame and carry its blade; whether you are the blamer or the blamed; it’s time to put down the sword and take off the attire, your bridal gown awaits, your blame has been paid for by the cross of Jesus; it’s time to live NEW! I invite you into an understanding of your worth! Psalm 128 says, “She is a fruitful vine”. You are needed and you are necessary! You are bountiful and you are blessed! Heaven applauds you and approves you!
I pray this post has caused a freedom in your heart today!
On this journey with you.
With Love Lorraine